i miss these girls so..

must i have all my thoughts in plain view for people to know?

hong's birthday today.. happy birthday girl!! =D bro's birthday tomorrow, but it's a pity i won't be at home to celebrate with him..hope his migraine stays away..!

i'm down with the flu. and i sincerely think that my body knows i'm having tests and exams soon, and so my immune system chaogeng. grr i have claimed ownership of the new box of tissue. sniff*

i sometimes look at my display pic and hate it for not being the pic i would have liked it to be.

my bro is having a killer headache, and i'm trying to finish my reading.. but nothing feels more comfortable than us talking in my room.. i'm blessed to have such a wonderful brother! hope his headache goes away!

my mum is mad.. haha i'm still touxiao-ing..

facial auntie says my face very dry, must moisturise.. but she also says that i seem to be thinner. haha

i wouldn't be who i am without all of my darling girls.. i'll always treasure you!=D

i opened a drawer, and wondered why i have an empty puzzle box.

so i opened another drawer, and took out some things to fill up the puzzle box. i held each article that once meant so much in my hand, read each and every line in the many letters and cards you wrote, remembered how we started, as well as how we ended.

in those words, i saw your conviction. i know now as i did then that you would try to fulfill all your promises to me, you would try with all your heart. but i was the weak one, the one who chose to let go, the one who stopped believing.

i moved on, but remained awkward with any mentioning of our past. until now. i've finally let go of all the guilt towards you. and now i can only ask one last thing of you. please forget all the promises you made to me, except one. the one where you promised to work hard. forget all the promises, and find yourself a more deserving girl, a girl who believes in you more than i did.

after everything, i just want to say thank you. for i once believed we loved so deeply.

how did things come to this? i feel like crying. is it my fault? there seems no way of resolving this issue.

playing poker is like playing mind games. and i'm tired.

is silence better? or is talking about trivial things to cover the silence better?

i threw some stuff out. and i feel much better.

one said i was the best thing that ever happened to him. another said i was the best thing that happened to him in 2005.

of all the reasons why two people are together, would you expect to hear "cause we're happy together"? it sounds kind of inferior to "cause i'm attracted to your cheerful personality",or "cause you look so beautiful",doesn't it?

but when time goes by, and you slowly forget why you fell in love, maybe being happy together is the only thing that matters. it will perhaps even be the most enduring reason of love.

the three of us went to the arcade yesterday, and they each won a winnie-the-pooh thing, you know the thing that keeps nodding its head? haha i don't know what's that thing called la.. but sharon was luckier, she won it with only $2. lol=p

ate a not very nice dinner (makansutra cheat me!) but dessert was nice=)

alone at home today, with no intention of doing anything again. how can i be made to strive for exams? haha

i cant believe that you really mean it. hmm

well, i do know my blog entries have adapted a depressing tone, but i'm fine, really! =)

i shall push whatever rubbish i'm thinking that is unrelated to tests & mathematica to the back of my mind. it is already cramped enough as it is. i shall make myself devoid of feelings for the time being. whatever has to be solved shall wait till after exams. and if it can't wait, too bad.

an uneventful day, where the rain washed away the haze and returned us the clear skies. i wished so much to see a friendly familiar face today, and i was glad joyce attended lecture. a cold day that somehow made me doubt.

a little kitten crawled into my house today, a scene that reminded me of why i was am scared of cats.. i screamed my head off and stood on the sofa again.. haha..

i thought he was quite a nice person, but maybe that isn't the case after all.. or maybe i inferred wrongly. but anyway i can't pass comments, since it is his blog, and he is indeed free to write anything he wants.

p.s always remember that the web is an open space, and never badmouth or give people nicknames.

the absolute tone of your words rings loudly in my heart, and suddenly my mind flashed back to the night of the sms.

the cheerfulness was overshadowed by the words that were hanging in the air.

i miss qiuling and gen.. =(

daddy's birthday today!! but i haven't seen him the whole day!

i must say, i was shocked that you told me the brutal truth, your honest viewpoint. i know the truth is hard to stomach, and a lie will cause more harm. but sometimes i hope to be deceived and remain ignorantly optimistic.. well, i am still glad that you didn't choose to lie. thanks

who doesn't wish that their own relationship can withstand all trials and tribulations? that their love is strong, cause it has a strong foundation, and not cause the other half is simply around? who wants to believe, even if it may be true, that the saying 'out of sight, out of mind' is true? yes i know things can change, but which girl doesn't hope to be the one that can anchor a guy's heart down? who would want to put in effort to maintain a relationship if absence will simply erase away all the love and affection?

i don't really know what to believe anymore. one part of me feels like i should hold on to a relationship steadfastly, the other part wonders, what for? it's all going to end in a heartbreak, cause love isnt enough.

on a happier note, i ate rochor beancurd yesterday night! =D and was a loving sister.. lol

yay! i'm happy cause you're happy! stay happy! =D

muahaha.. i wont stalk you, but i'll be doing the same thing tomorrow!wahaha

yes i know i have a short fuse, yes i know i have a bad temper. but hey! i'm trying to get it under control alright? so stop trying to make me blow my top. thank you.

i feel like putting ql's blog entry footer today.. haiz.. the sms last night made me uncertain..

a question i asked, and which you asked me back, has its answers in my unpublished draft no. 9

the ring is still the same one, my finger hasnt grown fatter. but somehow the ring no longer fits.

there are times when you feel that even if enough time has gone by, it'll never be the same again.

finally met up with the girls today, to celebrate the 3 birthdays that are round the corner. had sakae, but wasn't too keen on food today so ate only a few plates, wonder why. went to my grandma's house to sign a document, but i felt so out of place there. the buzz seems not to have anything to do with me at all. well, all in all, a peaceful day..

dad's and bro's birthdays are coming too, wonder what i should get for them...

when you say you miss someone, do you miss the company of that person, or you just miss the physical presence of that person beside you?

some times i don't hear the words you are saying right next to me, cause the words reverberating loudly in my heart blocks out everything. and so i want to run home, to seclude myself from the world, so that i may try to think clearly.

there can only be one of me, and it'll always never be enough.. i cant do this anymore, each time it gets harder, and eventually i will only withdraw into my shell and nothing good can come out of this..

sometimes when things happen, you feel you won't ever forget.. but time passes, and one day you struggle to remember..

it's a funny thing when you see someone struggle to introduce you, but it also makes you wonder what the hell were you doing there in the first place.. cause the ability to laugh at myself is so critical in masking my true feelings, i must never lose this ability..

my brother's words stung.. they make me feel that the effort i put in i put in was not recognised. maybe the effort i put in was not what he hoped to see, but i tried, under circumstances i cant go around complaining about.. it makes me feel like i'm being torn, and there's no one who will notice..i cant choose, and i don't want to..

sometimes you look back and wonder if there's been too much sensationalising..

i heard a song that reminded me of you over the radio the other day, and it brought back bittersweet memories.. but i'm surprised at how little i felt..

even if you could only refer to me openly for only one minute, i wouldn't mind. for i know the spot i own.

久未放晴 的天空
依旧留着你的笑容
哭过却无法掩埋歉疚
风筝在阴天搁浅
想念还在等待救援
我拉着线复习你给的温柔
曝晒在一旁的寂寞
笑我给不起承诺
怎麽会怎麽会你竟原谅了我
我只能永远读着对白
读着我给你的伤害
我原谅不了我就请你当作我已不在
我睁开双眼看着空白
忘记你对我的期待
读完了依赖我很快就离开

suddenly feel like putting this song on repeat.. a long week ahead..

in the elusive search for happiness, how did nobody find what they were looking for?

worried sick.

i fear i'm losing you.. i fear you'll never be the same you.. i fear you will never smile again..

oh god.. how could i bear you becoming like that?

it pains me to see your broken spirit. please...

i don't ever want to play angels for you.

i always feel i ain't a good enough girlfriend, i always seem to be unable to take my own stand when you need me. i always cause you to be unable to sleep at night, cause you're thinking of me, whereas i sleep like a pig no matter what. i shouldn't be so fortunate to be your girlfriend. till now, i still think you are mad to think that my boyfriend is a lucky guy.

yesterday, when you hugged me and said you are so happy you have me, i felt so touched. cause i didn't do anything, and yet you feel happy. then when i saw you standing at the corner of my house, watching me walk into my house, i felt i let you down. i can't find the courage to ask my parents. and so i made you sad.

i don't know how to comfort you. the only way i could, was to be by your side. and yet last night, i couldn't even do that. i feel so useless as your girlfriend.

i worry so much about you, but i never do anything to care for you. what kind of girlfriend am i?!

darling, please cheer up! cause i don't want you to be unhappy. and if you are unhappy, then i won't be happy too, cause i will feel useless. darling, don't despair or give up ok? i love you, no matter what! muack!

please smile, for me...

i think all cbe students are going to suffer from depression, it's only a matter of time. except of course, those certified muggers, who seem not to require any time to slack. haha

i feel like in your time of need, i abandoned you. and i feel lousy.

lalala.. i don't want to fall in love again.. i think school is enough to keep me busy. a new relationship would flood me instantly.

lalala.. tomorrow got thermodynamics 35% test. and i'm still dreaming.. hahaha

lalala.. i want watch movie tomorrow, but must study for yet another test..hohoho

lalala.. friday i'm going out to buy presents..

it's the little things that matter.. i don't have to say much, you don't either.. we just know that we care for each other.

简简单单=) thanks for being here!

i went ikea today!! cheered up a little =) but tests are still un-studied for. haha

i don't know what else to blog.. hmm

during computing today, i suddenly found myself filled with a deep sense of regret. i don't even know if regret is the word to describe the feeling. i just felt so 可惜 that the timing of things were so wrong. if you had held out longer, if i had broken up earlier, perhaps things wouldn't be what they are today. perhaps the 4 of us would still be happily attending lectures together. perhaps we didn't have to be so underground. all the things and people may be in their right places now, but i just somehow feel that if things had happened a little later, our happiness today would be more complete. i mind not being able to admit i'm your girlfriend. i mind having to deliberately deny our relationship. i mind having to dodge and hide, before being able to touch you. but i know that i made this decision together with you, for the reason of not wanting to lose another friend. but i feel unfairly treated sometimes. especially when you do something like kicking me, something that you wouldn't do to another girl, but you find ok to do to me. why is it so? i feel like i should learn to draw a boundary between you, my boyfriend, and you, my classmate. haiz..

i stared into the mirror after bathing and finally acknowledged something. i didn't break up cause of having a big fight. i broke up cause i was tired of being responsible for some one else's life. and because my heart no longer belonged only to the one whose hand i was holding.

but cause i could never admit that to anyone, i can never tell him how sorry i am.

killer back pain, wondering if the screw on my back brace is loosening.

tests and reports. an evil cycle. if happiness is proportional to agony, then at least all this shit will be worthwhile. but it seems agony lasts longer than happiness. ain't it?

sometimes cant help but wonder how come my life revolves around studying. such an insignificant thing. haha

i feel ridiculous for not sleeping the whole of last night.. just for a lab report.

especially when the deadline was extended to tomorrow. tmd.

long and arduous journey ahead. who says things would be easy?

what kind of course did i enrol myself in? that keeps me awake at this goddamn hour, with an unfinished report, and an aching back?

tears. my recent good friends

the feeling comes and goes.. and if i'm not wrong, it goes most of the time.. what will happen when the feeling is gone forever?

another feeling that should appear more often, and in fact be felt 24/7 is not here.. i begin to wonder scary questions.. what if what if..

there's nth i cant blog now i guess.. but it'll probably be understood only by me. don't come to ask me questions.. please. thank you.

should be worried..the thing is happening again.. but i am sounding happy when i should be worried. i am worried. just using the tense laughter to mask my worry.

i cannot be comforted. things seem so wrong

why i feel like i'm in a swamp, everything feels so yucky and seems so murky.. maybe not swamp, is shit hole. hahaha

lab report due tomorrow, and i've no idea how to do it! lab report due friday, thermody test on sat, bio test on mon! these morons with PhD think i so pro ar? kee siao

the alternating waves of tests and work is threatening to drown me.. and i have somehow lost faith, in myself.

i don't want to sink into depression! save me someone!

can't believe it that it is only 2 more months to holidays.. will i last that long?

now i cant hide my vulnerability liao...

oh me oh my.. the haze is draining everybody's energy.. how to work under such a disgusting environment?

a happy week? lol=p

from ages ago, i already knew that i was one who thinks too overly much. but then these thoughts never manifest themselves. i was always the one who could chide friends for thinking too much.

but now it isn't like that. how many people have asked me to try to relax, not be so stressed, and don't think so much?

am i becoming weaker? or just more more incapable of hiding my vulnerability these days?

hmm. computing test at 530pm on a friday.

i remember a silly thing you did to make me smile.. we danced around holding hands, like the happy Chip & Dale in your display pic=p

one question is bugging me- should i S/U comparative societies and urban not?!

some days, i lose faith and courage, and just want to run away from everything and everyone.
some days, i strongly believe that the light at the end of the tunnel will emerge soon.

even though school sucks, i dread the day when i become one of the rat pack, working mondays-fridays for the rest of my life. unbelievable.

i need a hero.

did anyone miss me for not blogging? haha i am up to my neck in work!! killing myself soon with weird mood swings.. and i detest mathematica!

have you ever poised your pen over paper, only to be stuck with no words? have you ever been flooded by your thoughts, but when you open your mouth, you cant find the words?

am specially touched by ql!! haha hugs my girl!! =D

sometimes i feel like i don't fit into this world.

the shouts i let out made me feel better, but i scared my family. sorry.

i was taking care of a part of me, so ur thank you was not needed..

i fought for ur apple rights!!

i want whine! i hate mathematica!!!!! hide in a blanket and don't come out..

today is a maroon 5 morning.. don't know how to describe, just felt that listening to songs about jane makes me feel better.

last day of the recess week, desperately cramming all that i should have done into these last 3 days. somehow, i still don't feel recharged. wonder why.. haha

经一事，长一智。 曾经措手失去的，现应更懂珍惜。